(no subject)

So... it's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. No good excuse, really. Just assorted kinds of busy-ness. End-of-year accounting stuff at work, moving stuff at home, trying to start painting again, trying to learn to play the guitar an attorney at work loaned to me.... Honestly, the only reason I have time to post now is because I'm too sick to go to work or do much of anything else. I've moved back to my old home... kind of depressing, but that's life. Still trying to sell this place. Still trying to get out from under my idiotic mountain of debt. And still waiting to see what will happen with the woman I love... but she's worth the wait.
  • Current Mood
    sick sick

Hope reincarnates...

So... I have finally admitted that I am ridiculously in love. To the lovee. And I was basically accepted. Life is good.

Now, granted, the reclusive personality cannot guarantee reciprocation of love and need for companionship. But I am granted the privilege of spending more time with the one I love, and am assured that the reclusive person, who does not like and appreciate the company of many people, likes and appreciates me. Life is very, very good.

So now, the task which will replace my obsession over how to bring up this neverending crush, is how not to overwhelm this woman with too much adoration. Time to play it cool, just enjoy the company, not be too needy. I can handle this. And, since I know how truly compelling this story must be, I'll be sure to keep you all posted. ;)
  • Current Music
    my heart beating in joy... :)

(no subject)

I am beginning to realize that I need to say something to my ultimate crush before I embarrass myself beyond all redemption. It is occasionally difficult to make eye contact and speak without feeling self-conscious, and it would be horribly embarrassing if it became obvious to other people before I even tell her. I have withstood rejection countless times in my life, so why does the idea fling me headlong into an anxiety attack??? I think maybe I am afraid of timing my approach badly, and I adore this woman so much that I know I would never forgive myself I blew my chance by simple poor timing. It is frustrating to always be so attracted to antisocial people. Far worse in my opinion than simply being rejected due to incompatibility, is the possibility of being rejected due to complete lack of need on the part of the other person. There is no future in lack of need, not even any opportunity for wallowing in self-deprecation ("If only I was ______! Then _____ would love me!!" *beats chest and gnashes teeth*). I like to act as if I am not intimidated by people who have little need for companionship, but I am when I feel intensely connected to that person. I know that this is my biggest fear, even worse than her finding my crush amusing or disturbing or even offensive, that she would simply have to admit indifference. I am going to put this goal in print so that maybe I will follow through: I shall proclaim my undying devotion by Thanksgiving Day! God, let's hope I develop some guts by then. Urchin out.
  • Current Music
    robbie robertson - unbound

(no subject)

I hate it when I'm grouchy for no reason - especially at work. The sad thing is, I have a very good job, but there are some days when I so badly want to go home and write or paint or just play a stupid video game, it completely ruins my concentration. This is nothing very special, I know. But I am trying to take a break and get myself some equilibrium.

I have a bizarre yet powerful desire to drive to Canada over Thanksgiving weekend. It occurred to me this morning,as I was listening to American Woman by The Guess Who and trying to imagine how it must feel be a native resident of Canada, watching the often disconcerting behavior of the U.S. I am strangely fascinated by this huge, vast, largely quiet neighbor of ours. I have never been outside the continental U.S., not even just across the Mexican or Canadian border, and for some reason today I am feeling acutely landlocked. Maybe I will try to talk someone into driving there with me, since that would solve my dilemma about which fragment of my family to socialize with during the upcoming holiday. Hmm... who would be weird *coughs* -- I mean, adventurous enough to agree to such a strange request...? I'll have to give this some additional thought...
  • Current Music
    u2 - love comes tumbling

(no subject)

Well, Dan and I WERE going to go see Naqoyqatsi on Thursday, but apparently fandango.com lied to me. Ah, well. Hopefully the Laurelhurst will decide to screen it in a few weeks. I am glad I bothered to get all excited about it, though, because the result was that I rented the first two films and watched Koyaanisqatsi last night. It was pretty damned amazing. I love films that are stronger on theme than plot, and although this one goes a bit over the top by not even having any dialogue or sound other than the musical score, it reminded me of my occasional desire to attend film school. If only I could get out of debt.... Anyone want to buy a condo in Hillsboro?
  • Current Music
    cocteau twins - how to bring a blush to the snow


Well, boys and girls, fasten your seatbelts. It's ranting time...

So tonight I got into a conversation about parents/childhood/role models, and got all newly riled up about my usual rage-target, Daddy-0.

Why does childhood frustration live on
and ON
and ON
It seems that it can never be fully resolved because the feelings of being smaller and more vulnerable can never be separated from the memories. When I think back on times my father belittled me, or was disrespectful of my privacy, or insulted my intelligence, or tried to make me into some kind of slobberingly passive wifey-in-training, I feel a strange sort of ineffectual rage over the fact that my adult self can't go back into that moment and defend the younger me. Because if I could, the adult me would KICK MY DAD'S ASS!!!!!

(Now, some of you may be wondering if anger at Daddy is the key factor in my making plans to avoid humans with dicks for future long-term relationships. I have to say that first of all, I haven't ruled out guys altogether, and secondly, my attraction to women is positive rather than negative. Translated, it is about loving and admiring women - NOT about a negative reaction to men that therefore sends me running into the arms of the nearest female.)

I find it endlessly amusing that the very thing most people associate with mothers is my dad's most irritating habit - failing to sever the invisible umbilical cord. Only, since he is my father, this tendency translates into associating every positive, intelligent, distinctive thing I accomplish with the (naturally!) superior quality of his goddamn sperm. I honestly believe that this is what he is proud of when he makes a show of being proud of me or my siblings. He feels like a big genetically superior stud.


So maybe this should make me feel better about the fact that he is not proud of my recent decision to be honest about my sexuality and get a divorce. At least this very difficult (and in my opinion decent and fair and even rather courageous) move hasn't been placed in the shadow of some kind of grotesque Daddy cumshot. But in fact it makes me sad that the only way I can beat my father at his own ridiculous game is to disappoint him, to piss him off, to injure him in some way. I have to make him think I am not such a good person in order to knock him off his fucking high horse. And self-deprecation is really just not my thing.

My aunt's partner (I currently live with them - they are generous and wonderful and have taken pity on me) has insisted that I need to tell him how I feel, if for no other reason than the self-preserving result of unloading some of this anger. I know she is correct in predicting that if I carry it too long it will be harder and more confusing to let go of it, but it is tempting just to ignore his existence on the planet rather than suffer through the humiliating and delicate process of revealing my feelings without letting him hurt me.

So my plan is to finish the letter I started weeks ago, which was originally begun for the purpose of explaining to him that his latest little snub did not go unnoticed or misunderstood, but has grown into a general "for your stupid information, this is why I hate your guts" kind of letter. It's a last-ditch effort to give him a chance to redeem himself, and I am trying to be as nice as possible in the way I word it so the letter won't just be written off as the impotent rantings of a typical hysterical female (which is partly why I'm venting all my royal bitchiness here, to get it out of my system).

So feel free to comment and tell me your honest opinion as to whether I am completely insane, or my dad's behavior really is hideous.

Here's the deal: my dad claimed that he did not have time to help me finish a home-improvement project that my husband was supposed to do on a deadline and didn't, but then he immediately called my husband and offered to help HIM!!! What makes this perhaps seemingly insignificant slight such a big deal to me is this:

a) I basically NEVER ask my dad for help with anything because he is such a guilt-tripper, but I had swallowed my usual bitchy pride and decided to give him a chance to prove that he was on my side for once.

b) When I said I was planning to take money out of our joint account to pay for the project and do it myself, Daddy dear assumed that I meant I was charging my husband for my services (so he called Jeremy to offer to do it for free). If he had bothered to ask, he would have understood that the money I planned to withdraw was money I HAD PUT THERE!!! DUMBASS!

c) And last but not least, I am so wary of and familiar with my dad's socially retarded antics, I made a point of warning him (this is word for word, no exaggeration):

Me: "Don't call Jeremy and talk about this. I don't want you to bring it up. If you do, I'll be really mad. So don't do it. Okay?"

Dad: "Okay. I love you. Bye."

(So what does the stupid little man do - exactly what I just specifically told him would piss me off! Yeah, I love you, too, dickhead.)

Anyway. I guess I can finish the letter now and be respectful and all that bullshit even though it takes all my energy to think this letter will have any effect at all on his behavior. Deep breath. It only matters that I do it, right? If he ignores me again... well, that's his problem.
  • Current Music
    moby - animal rights

Watch in horror as my entire being is compressed into test results...

Would I Survive A Pit Match Against Clinton And Bush
24% chance Bush would kill you.
0% chance Clinton would kill you.
0% chance he would sexually harass you.
76% chance you would kill them.
Enter Combat

My College Is:

Brainy Bitch Ivy League University
Students at Brainy Bitch Ivy League University are very studious.
Students at Brainy Bitch Ivy League University masturbate a lot.
There are lots of frats and sororities.
Weed is the drug of choice.
The average GPA is 4

My Romance Meter

Optimist 80%
20% Cynic
Close 68%
32% Distant
Long Term 82%
18% Brief
What does my romance meter read?

What is my spectrum?

I am blue: My main color is blue. I am a little bitter when people choose a blissfully ignorant approach to life. I try to see things for the way they really are.

What is my spectrum?

I Am The Sex Toy:

Knowledge: So I might not be the first sex toy on everyones mind, but lets be honest about where sexual power really comes from.

Find out what sex toy you are.

My Favorite Female Part Is:

The Face: Sweet and angelic...

except when she yells at me...

Find out your favorite female body part!

My Favorite Male Part Is:

The Butt: Round and firm.

Thats where I branded him.

Find out your favorite male body part!

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

She-Ra (She-Ra / Masters Of The Universe): The amazon-like yet cute sister of He-Man. Although she is oddly petite she is capable of crushing someones cartoon skull using only her cartoon thumb. Best to do what she tells you to; she has a fiery temper.

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe): Tall, dark, and.... well you can't really tell what he looks like. Silent and deadly, skilled and sexy. Snake Eyes might seem intimidating, but he is the perfect gentleman.

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

The B-Movie That Suits Me Is:

Riki: Not as brutal as Cannibal Holocaust but much gorier; this manga inspired film features such lovelies as exploding heads and self disembowelment. Chock full of creative ways to brutally slaughter someone.

Find out which b-movie suits you.

Am I The Greatest Song In The World?

Nay: I am merely a bad cover of a good cover of the greatest song in the world!

Are you the greatest song in the world?